Back to a beginning

Everytime I watch a movie, I feel quiet strange. It's really difficult to explain it; it's just like if I was a sponge willing to absorb every little piece of the movie. It's like every single movie was a piece of a great jigsaw that I'm completing with every one of them. It's not just watching a movie, it's learning something. Every movie has something to teach, as every song does.

I'm not ok. I'm not about to die, but I'm not ok neither. I don't know if this feeling is necessary. Well, being aware that I like to learn something from everything, maybe I need this. I've been ok for some weeks, maybe this period is necessary to appreciate the other ones.
I feel trapped, like in a cage where I'm obliged to live in. Maybe I have the tools to go away, to run away, but not the will, or not the right moment; if I go know, where are my dreams then? I mean, I have to be here for some more time, then I'll go. I'm not prepared yet. Or maybe I'm looking for an excuse. Maybe it frightens me so much that I'm unable to do something with all of these pieces of my life that seem now so... messed up?

I'm thinking too much, huh? She is always saying that; maybe she is right. But I can't help it! I'm learning to live! When you're learning to drive, you need some months until you stop thinking which pedal is the right one. I am to think now, don't blame me; I'm trying really hard.

Am I wasting my life? Should I do something today, instead of tomorrow? What's about dying this evening? Would I be a lost soul crying because I didn't do what I really wanted to? I think is not a problem of decission, it's a problem of means.

It's really tough when you are living a life that you dislike, when you feel you need something more that you could have if you just did... something! And of course I'm not complaining, just vomiting things.

Am I walking backwards?